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Tulips from Amsterdam?

Posted by amber | Portfolio | Posted on April 14th, 2011

The After Life

Posted by amber | My Diary | Posted on April 14th, 2011

… or the beginning of the end.

I am in quite a negative space at the moment. It is 3 years today since my life changed. And the sad thing is that time has not eased the pain. Plus ‘change’ is always seen as a positive thing and I can not say I see that.

The afterlife (also referred to as life after death, the Hereafter, the Next World, the Other Side, or the World to Come) is the belief that a part of, or essence of, an individual which carries with it and confers personal identity survives the death of the body of this world and this lifetime, by natural or supernatural means.

So I still have my essence but the rest seems to have vanished into thin air. I can no longer walk along the beach front without feeling sad, envious and angry all at the same time.

Sad that even walking no longer comes naturally;

Envious at those who run past, filled with energy and joy;

And angry that this has happened to me!

I actually am moved to tears when I drive past people outside exercising and doing what is actually very natural and I can only dream of those days. I look at the way my body has slowly but obviously degenerated. The muscle that was so much part of me has dissolved into spongy curves, cellulite thighs, saggy knees and my arse has all but vanished. And I know this sounds vain and self absorbed but it is the reality. And with this dissolution of body has come the loss of self. I don’t feel like me, look like me, act like me.

I am shoving countless tablets and powders down and yet my memory is shaky; I no longer get my periods; I loose bundles of hair everyday; I have a scalp littered with scabbing sores and I am out of breath at the slightest suggestion of effort. There is the nausea; serial yawning; aching sore muscles and the sensitivity to light, noise and movement.

And even worse is the friend who says, “so are you still not better?”, with awe and disbelief.

And I try and be hopeful and positive but actually nothing and no one has yet shown me that things can possibly change …