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Doctor, Doctor

Posted by amber | My Diary | Posted on March 22nd, 2011

Okay so I confess I got a “second opinion”, actually probably my 19th or 20th opinion but who’s counting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This time on meeting the medical practitioner, a Professor no less, he immediately diagnosed “inflammation” and that he said he could see in the whites of my eyes. Maybe it was the look of a CFS patient (boredom, desperation, disbelief) facing another doctor who was going to cure this ailment.

Either which way it was a new line and I sat there in awe. i rattled off my tale and got sympathy and understanding. My illness was acknowledged and it was not in my mind. He could finishes my sentences for me and he “hmmmd” and “yes’d” at all the appropriate times. “WE HAVE A WINNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I was loving this guy.

He also didnt believe in heavy medications unless absolutely necessary and for a very short duration. YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He suggested I start with INFLAMX by Metagenics and that I needed to drop off some fecal matter. …WHAT ???????????????? It was all going so well there for a moment.

Anyway being a desperado I rapidly nodded my head and went off with my fecal matter collection device clutched in my sweaty paw.

But before I take you on that ride, lets examine INFLAMX. It is a powder. Sounds harmless enough. Which you mix into a glass of water. Okay…. However the powder is egg yellow in colour. It contains turmeric. It is not too bad but I am somewhat concerned that a month or two taking this powder could have me looking like I work in an Indian curry house – gruesomely yellow stained gnashers!!! Guess teeth whitening will have to come before botox and liposuction.

On to the fecal matter collection device. You are probably thinking that you get to do this in a big Tupperware. YOU ARE SOOOO WRONG! Its not like in the movies. In fact I have a container the size of a test tube and a teeny Barbie spoon. Oh and it gets better. You can either do your business on a paper plate or cling wrap the toilet seat. IS EITHER ACTUALLY AN OPTION !@#$%^ Do other people not do a number 1 and 2 at the same time?

I am sorry this is somewhat graphic but hell this is such a weird exercise?!@#

Any who….. Back to the fecal matter at hand. You are then meant to use the Barbie spoon to gather the goods and spoon it into the tube. And not all from the same area!!! As if the whole exercise is not smelly and vomity enough already. And then some poor sucker gets to take it back out of the tube with a Barbie spoon and test it. Who has the worse job??? No pun intended…

But I soldiered on and the results came back. My E coli and Pathogenic bacterial species are reduced or non existent. What this actually means God alone knows. I am guessing its not desirable. So I now have to take olive leaf capsules and Solgars super extra probiotics. And something called ecoli prep. I am a bit confused though as I thought ecoli were a bad thing but evidently they are good too? Ecoli prep comes frozen in a large test tube. They have given me 8 tubes and each last just over a week. AND it looks like it might be sperm and used for artificial insemination AND it tastes about as pleasant as collecting fecal matter.

HOWEVER I will do what I have to do in order to find an answer to the mystery that is CFS.

I will charter new and before unexplored areas of science in order to find the cure.

AND I will endeavour to swallow my medicine with a “spoonful of sugar” as suggested by Mary Poppins!

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