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Hope

Posted by amber | My Diary | Posted on December 5th, 2010

I can quite easily say that the last 6 weeks have been amongst my worst, if not the worst. I started a course of cortisone, plasmoquine and ethipramine. I don’t think the cortisone is to blame as I have had 6 weeks of it before and the other 2 tablets are unknown to me. BUT i can say that 5 days after starting the 3 tablets CF took on a new and unpleasant buddy. PAIN. I woke to legs that felt like a they were made of cement and were burning with pain.

Up until now I have never had body pain. And maybe it was just a matter of time before i got this symptom … but my god its hard!

My whole body almost could be described as lame, that even walking a distance of 3 metres is hard. And the pain seems to move; thighs, calves, elbows, upper arms…very weird.

But as hard as that has been to deal with is the stark reality of reaching a point where you no longer believe there is a cure…

I find it devastating that i might well have reached this point. I think that initially I knew that there had to be a cure. I believed beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was a cure. I imagined each doctor I saw was the one with the ANSWER.  And I dreamed of being well.

Now two and a half years later; many doctors, physicians and healers since; many books read and Internet sites trawled; blogs followed and tablets ingested, I know different.

There is no definitive cure. My dreams no longer see me skiing down snow covered peaks or climbing Lions Head … There is the stark reality. There is the true black and white of it – no splashes of colour or flower doodles. The truth is cold and lonely and overwhelmingly sad.

I cry for me.

I cry for the loss of innocence.

I cry for the loss of hope.

I cry for an unfair world.

I cry for the end of dreams.

And I hope and pray that I find the end of the rainbow soon.

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